What it means to be a friend

What if I disappeared for a while?
What if I hid from the social media sphere
and didn't post
and didn't go to events
and didn't have pictures to share.
Would you even care?


What if I didn't answer your call,
your text,
your direct message,
Would you even care?


What if we stopped hanging out?
What if we stopped going out and about?
What if you never hear from me?
Do you even care?


What if I never said Happy Birthday
Happy Thanksgiving
Merry Christmas?
Do you even care?


Do you know my favorite color?
Do you know my worse fear?
Do you know how I feel
when the wind is all I hear?


Do you know my husband's basic story?
Do you know about my pups?
Do you know how I feel
about misplaced lingering cups?


Do you know what holidays I love
and which I like the least?
Do you know how I really feel
about a Thanksgiving family feast?


Do you know what songs I love
to sing in my car aloud?
Do you know what I did
that has made me most proud?


Do you know what I do
when there's nothing to do?
Do you know
that I want to know you too?


Do you know what I keep track of
and what I let fall to the side
Do you know about my writings
my gratitudes, my thoughts inside?


Do you know what I know,
that you're sometimes fake when you speak?
Do you know that I care for you
very much, as high as a mountain peak?


Do you know that when we make plans
and then you don't follow through,
that not only am I said
but my heart breaks for you?


Do you know that when you don't share
those awesome exciting moments in your life
I celebrate for you anyway
whether its the excitement of a baby, or becoming a husband or wife?


Do you know that when you post a picture
but don't send a text
I'll "like" it, but sincerely
unlike some of the rest?


Do you know that when I bring a grievance,
that when I confront you on something you're doing
It's not because I hate you or want to tear you down,
I want to build you up, friendship isn't a state of being.


Do you know, that poetry is a heart's cry?
Do you know I wrote this for you
whether you're a new friend, an old friend,
someone fake or someone true?


Do you know that in a crowd,
I often feel alone?
Do you know that recently,
I no longer have a heart of stone?


Do you know that at work, I often bust my butt,
and often do a lot?
I try to talk and befriend my coworkers
but to do the same to me? They'd rather not.


Do you know that sometimes
I want to talk behind your back?
"Have you heard what (your name here) has done?
Wasn't that awesome and good!" It's not about what you lack.


Don't you know I value you
and the time you give to me?
Don't you know it's love I have,
that I want the world to see?


I wish I could be a talking mirror
so you could see your worth.
I'd crack a few jokes
we'd enjoy healthy mirth.


I'll admit a truth
I've been a cruddy friend.
But I vow to get better
until the very end.


I will fail
but I will keep trying.
Trust me I'll still be there for you
it ain't my bridge you're frying.


So if you wanna try again with me
Let's see where we go.
I'll do my best to be honest and fair
and tell you everything that's true.


And even if you don't,
If you decide to walk away from me.
Know that you're still gold,
Someday that's what I hope you'll see.

I can see clearly now, the veil is lifted

 So this week, I couldn’t think of anything to write about for yesterday. I was struggling to think, “What is worth the time to compose a post that people would enjoy reading?”

 

And then I got my windshield replaced yesterday. Then, inspiration hit.

 

A few years ago, I was driving in the slow lane after merging from one freeway to another. I wanted to make my way to the fast lane. I moved to the middle lane behind this big semi truck. I checked my mirror, checked my blind spot, and then 2 things happened at the exact same time. The first, some Speedy Gonzales came flying up in the fast lane, blocking me in the middle lane. More slow cars had filled in the slow lane. The second, a huge gust of head wind blew, informing me that the construction style semi truck in front of me, was a gravel truck, without a cover over the gravel. My windshield got splattered with gravel. Ok, so maybe this was more than a few years ago, I think it was a year or 2 after I got my car, which was 2009, so perhaps since 2011 I’ve been driving around with a windshield missing minute chips.

 

The crack. You can see the curved part and then where it begins to straighten out across the windshield.

So after this crack appeared, I’m assuming one of those gravel chips evolved into the nearly halfway across the windshield mark, I was ecstatic to get a new windshield. I was thrilled to be able to start fresh. Last night I picked up my car and got in and looked out at a fresh windshield for the first time in years.

This was taken this morning. No crack. No chips. No dent. Just frost.

 

I didn’t realize how distorted my windshield was. I didn’t realize how “fuzzy” I had been seeing. For those of you who wear glasses, you know that moment where you clean your glasses after looking through dirty ones and all of a sudden everything is bright and clear as day? For those of you who don’t, you know when your phone camera gets dirty and you realize in your camera preview things are fuzzy, then you wipe it clean and all of a sudden everything is bright and crisp?

 

It’s also like, that moment when your life is chaotic, messy, perhaps dangerous and life threatening. It’s that moment when you realize that you’re spinning and lost and dizzy and you don’t know which way is up. It’s that really dark scary moment where you’re ready to give up and let go. And. Then. God. Then God comes into the picture. Then He saves you. Then He shows you what a good life looks like, what true unconditional no strings attached love is. Then He shows you that all He wants is you to love Him and follow Him. Then He tells you that you need to do NOTHING but believe.

 

It’s THAT moment, when you feel free. It’s THAT moment, when you can finally see clearly. When all of a sudden, your vision is bright, clear, crisp, focused.

 

I was reminded of that yesterday. I was reminded that we have THAT moment, every morning when we wake up, a chance to start fresh with God.

 

Oh yesterday was such a good day.

 

Amen and Amen.

Brand New Life

Today, the world said “Hello!” to Sophie. Today, Sophie entered the world. Today, Sophie is brand new. Today, Sophie has done nothing wrong. Today, Sophie hasn’t said one bad word. Today, Sophie hasn’t cursed anyone. Today, Sophie is flawless. Today, Sophie is perfect.

Today, she is new.

Today, I am new.

Today, you are new.

We are new because of Jesus. Every day, we are entering the world after sleep. At the start of every day, we are brand new. At the start of every day, we have done nothing wrong. At the start of every day, we haven’t cursed anyone. At the start of every day,we haven’t said one bad word. At the start of every day, we are flawless. At the start of every day, we are perfect.

At the start of every day, we are new

At the start of every day, Jesus loves us.

At the end of every day, Jesus loves us.

We are like babies every day, given the chance to start again. (Yes, as babies, we are born dead, born into sin, and it’s our free will to choose eternal life in Jesus, but let’s roll with the metaphor right now.)

We are pure, untouched, clean and not tainted. Just like sweet Sophie.

Today, my husband and I were blessed to become Godparents. Today, we have a new responsibility to love Sophie and share just how awesome Jesus is. Today, our best friends were made father and mother (Not that they haven’t been for the past 9 months). Today, we get to start cheering them on in parenthood, to offer what wisdom we can. Which, if I’m being honest here, I think my husband will do a grand job at, he’s the youngest of 8 and has like 16 nieces and nephews. And then there’s me, I babysat from like age 13 to age 18ish. 9 years later, I’ve only sporadically helped out in my church’s childcare area from like 2009-2012. Today is the day I start again. Today, I am excited for my best friends to embark on this parenthood journey. Today, I continue my prayers for Sophie, for her parents.

Today is a really good day. Remember that.

Today. Today. Today.

Amen and Amen!

 

(By the way, Sophie is absolutely adorable and precious and 8 lbs of sheer beauty. Since she isn’t mine, it isn’t right for me to post a picture. But just think of the most precious baby, and multiply by like 10, and you have the Sophster.)

Rewriting the script: My identity

I’ve got some identity issues going on. And they’re related, and I can’t seem to figure it out. So I’m going to just brain dump my thoughts here


Now that I’ve been married for 5 months and 3 days, you’d think that I’d be totally accepting of my new last name. I write it on work stuff that I sign, but it still doesn’t hit me. When I see it on my Facebook everytime I post something, Facebook has a weird glitch. Occasionally I’ll be writing my draft as “Samantha Jo Pfisterer”, then, as it posts and loads in that semi-grayed out it’ll still show that, but when it posts, it corrects itself to “Samantha Jo Wolcott”. But, I am a Wolcott.

For 27 years I was a Pfisterer. So, I can see the difficulty in trying to break that habit of seeing who I am. It’s. Still. Weird. to me. Every time I write it, it comes off that I’m like a high-schooler, writing my name with my crush’s last name. But I am legally a Wolcott. I did get married. I did profess to our 150 guests that I will love my husband until my dying breath. I changed my name legally on all the important documents (minus my passport, but I’m working on it) I am a Wolcott. I no longer “belong” to my parents, I “belong” to my husband. Instead of parents over boyfriend, it’s now husband over parents. I am a Wolcott.

So that’s issue number 1. Issue number 2, is as follows.

I am a child of God. I am a daughter of the King. I have a destiny in the Eternal Heaven of God.

But I still find it hard to accept that. I still struggle through, who am I really? What does following Jesus really mean? What does His death on the cross really mean?

God’s been leading me through Joshua and Judges. And he’s been teaching me some really great things about my identity in him: Obedience brings victory; God uses the least, the unexpected to bring His glory to light; Among other things, there's just so much.

How cool is it that God uses stories from the Old Testament, from hundreds of years ago to teach us the same lesson He was teaching our forefathers (and mothers). I can't wait to keep reading through the OT and find what other nuggets of His great love He will reveal to me! I'm also trodding through Leviticus and that's been oh so cool to go through too! Who'd have thought right?


When you are in the dark about where you should be, or in the dark about who you are, turn to the Book of Light, the Book of Love, the BIBLE and open it up. There is where I will find who I am. There is where you will find who you are. There I am learning what it means to truly follow God, to have a friend in Jesus, to be reprimanded well, justly, but not cruelly.


I'm so excited to keep walking on and reading daily all that He has to say! Will you join me?


Amen and Amen <3